this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
