hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
