And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
