Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
