you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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