i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
