I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
