party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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