i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
