He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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