she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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