tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
