You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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