u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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