he thought i was a dude.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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