ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
