just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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