peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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