The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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