Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
