the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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