Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
