i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
