Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
