Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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