She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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