dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
