I cut my penus on the lid.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
