I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
