3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
