Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
