a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
