I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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