I wish I could teleport
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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