he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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