I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
