tell your sister to shave her snatch
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
