talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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