I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
