i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
