she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
