i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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