we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
