The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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