My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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