Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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