The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
