my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
