So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My hand turned me down
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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