she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
