Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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